Gail Patricia Caldwell
October 04, 1953 - June 10, 2017
Why time won't heal
Why time won't heal
Thank you everyone, who has sent me condolences, kind thoughts, and/or who have included me in their prayers. Your sentiments have been received and felt.
In my eulogy during the service I told of how Gail and I began communicating telepathically right at the beginning of our relationship. This was not due to Gail simply wanting cigarettes or the like, and then putting the thought out to me. There was a lot more than that.
In fact, our communication was more of a two-way thought transfer as our time together increased. We not only finished each other's thoughts and sentences, we answered questions before they were asked. We felt each other's feelings and moods. Mind reading would be an appropriate phrase. With us, it felt natural, so matter-of-fact. Reading a book at bedtime usually meant that Gail would incorporate the plot of my story into her dreams. Or that we would share our dreams, as we were dreaming them. This wasn't by choice. It happened whether we wanted it to or not. And that is what made us take notice of our intensity, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. If we were anything together, we were intense, in every nuance of the word.
There were certain aspects of our character, our personalities, that gave each of us a unique definition of who we were with the world and with ourselves. There were things that each of us could do, and did do, that were key points of differing from most people that we knew. They were things that we shared very sparingly.
I knew, and trusted Gail's intuitive ability. If Gail said that something or someone was coming, it always did. Gail could read people and situations very quickly. It took her no time at all to discern more complete pictures than what others wanted to reveal. She was also a dream weaver. Others would come to her in dreams, showing her parts of their lives, of what was happening currently, or was about to come down. Upon checking in with those involved, her visions were always right on the money. She did not go searching this out. These messages came to her unasked, unrequested.
When this ability focused on us, I didn't always like her predictions. Her accuracy, however, was off the charts. I never questioned it. For professional reasons Gail kept this talent very private. Few could understand or even grasp its true nature.
In the fall of 2015, she told me that 2016 was going to be a year of monumental change for us. How I wish she hadn't said that!
For my part, Gail knew that I have an ability to read people and situations as well, that I have a built-in lie-detector in me. I can always tell when I am being told the truth or a lie. It has been this way for me for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I use psychometry, reading energy from personal objects. Gail knew all of this, and trusted me, my intuition, without reservation, even bragging about it to certain close friends.
She respected and trusted my judgement, as much as I did hers. There was such a bond and depth of love between us that no matter what the issue or concern might be, we both knew that the support from the other was without conditions. Indeed, we thought and acted more as one individual than two. That level of intimacy is rare, but it was ours.
Many well-meaning people have tried to console me in my grief over the last few weeks with the platitude, (I will probably scream if I hear it one more time) "Time heals all wounds" or "It will take time".
That cliché/opinion is open to debate, and to me, is dead wrong.
Gail and I felt each other's deepest thoughts and feelings because we were so connected emotionally and spiritually. We were completely on the same page in every respect. We were open books for one another, and we both reveled in it. It brought us incredible joy.
It is what makes this part of my life so horrendously difficult.
Recently I had to describe to someone, why they did not, and could not, possibly understand my catastrophic sense of loss.
Gail was to me, as I was to her, the most beautiful, intimate friend, the most loving confidant that I could have hoped for. There was nothing that we would not do for one another. There were no special considerations, or secrets that exempted either of us from the other's love and adoration. The way we communicated was our hallmark. Our words and actions constantly verbalized our enduring love for one another. Spiritually, we were one.
For me, that deeply held connection, to the part of me that was Gail, is gone. Half of my life has been torn away and shredded. I will never get it back.
That incredibly intimate communication that we had is history. I am confronted with this whenever I feel the most despairing. It is then that I feel myself standing in a black hole of complete and utter emotional devastation. It is then that I feel the most alone.
For anyone to infer that their relationship with Gail was the same as mine, or that they knew Gail's wishes better than I, or that they now know what Gail would want, or that Gail would be upset with me for doing things my own way, I would say, respectfully, you have no idea what you're talking about. You're dreaming!
The idea that "Blood is thicker than water" is a myth. There was no one who knew Gail more intimately than I did, or who knew me like she did. There was no one who held me in as high esteem as she did. She trusted me implicitly. The same was true for me about her. We had a love and respect that could not be altered by anyone or anything outside of the two of us. Certainly not by anyone's present opinion.
To me, this is a loss of such magnitude that I will take it with me to the grave. There will be no healing from this.
I may recover………somewhat;
Started by Robert Flowers on July 20, 2017
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I am so sorry for your loss. You and Gail are beautiful people on the inside and out. She will be missed. You were both meant for each other, no doubt. This is the most beautiful journal I have read yet heartbreaking. I do wish you the best. Xx
Posted by Anna Hebert on August 30, 2017